my ♥ is blue

Madison & I watched Madagascar last night. "Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave," is what the annoying penguins would say. I feel like that is how I get by every day. Just "smile and wave" and pretend that everything is okay and I am just great and happy. Well, I'm not. I have been in denial for quite a long time and am actually quite depressed. As it gets closer to my birthday (and turning 25) it seems to get worse. In about two weeks, I will be 25 and have nothing to show for those twenty-five years other than Madison. And really, her life would be so much better if I would have been married when she was born. So I not only screwed up my life, I ruined hers too. I am so tired of being lonely all the time. She is really the only one who will talk to me. Which means the only conversations I have outside of work anymore are not very much understood by the average person. I am tired of just going through the motions and pretending. I want to get out of this stupid town and move far, far away from here. Its not like the people here would miss me anyway. I never see any of them. My friends here, and even my family, never seem to have time for me. My dad has his family to take care of and doesn't need to take care of his "grown" daughter. My mom is way too busy working full time and also taking care of her other children. I think the reason I am having such a hard time is because I always thought I would be married before I was 25. Yet, I am not even dating or even close to it. I work with the freakin' Boy Scouts, you think I would at least meet one! I try to be patient, as Bishop advised me last week. But its hard. I always thought my parents divorce/moving to Idaho away from my dad would be the hardest thing I ever had to go through. My parents are still not together and never will be, but they are both within miles of me. Yet, I feel that same emptiness I felt ten years ago. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I know it bothers a few people that I blog about "the stupidest things" but its because I have no one to talk to, no one to share my days with. I don't even have a best friend I can call up when I am sad. I was seeing a therapist almost a year ago for the same reasons I am depressed now. He told me that I needed to ask my sister to lunch and become her best friend. I asked her to lunch. She said we could go when she got back from Nauvoo. That was almost a year ago, and she's forgotten all about it. We still have not gone to lunch. So when my therapist saw that "things" like friendships weren't going to make me happy, he put me on Prozac. I weaned myself off of it because I didn't feel like I needed a drug to make me happy. I also stopped seeing my therapist. Nobody can tell me what will make me happy. I already know. I just don't know how to go about fixing things. My bishop says to live worthy and he will find me. But I don't think he realizes how hard it is to go to church and see husbands with their wives sitting as a family, while I am sitting there single and alone. So I wonder, what is so wrong with me? For a while, I was pretty convinced it was my weight. I've lost quite a bit (60 lbs since Madison was born) and now weigh 10 lbs less now than I did when I got pregnant. Maybe guys look at me and judge me because I've had a child out of wedlock. As if I am the only one in history. Maybe I am just not pretty at all. But I have seen some girls that aren't that cute and aren't that skinny find guys. The only thing I can think of is that the Lord knows that its just not my time. Will it ever be? Have I already had my chance(s)? I've been engaged a few times before. Maybe I am being punished for something. Maybe I am just not good enough to find a good guy. Maybe I just need to stop acting like such a baby and get down on my knees.